A Pair of WireCrossed Lovers
by Virtuous Vampire
Summary: For ne'er was a tale of more woe than this of emo Juliet and her cross-dressing Romeo. Contains vulgar language and characters that are WAY too obsessed with sex.Spoof/Parody.R
1. Act 1

**Hey, I decided to post the chapters in Acts so there will be less chapters but they will be much longer. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!**

**Enjoy. R&R.=)**

**Romeo & Juliet**

**Spoof**

**Prologue**

Enter Chorus.

Pause.

Sorry, the guy that plays the Chorus got really pissed last night and can't be here for tonight's performance. Soz.

**Act One**

**Scene One**

SAMPSON;I ain't takin' no shit from the Montagues.

GREGORY;Me neither.

SAMPSON;I will push the men to the wall and thrust the women to the wall. I will cut off their heads, or their maidenheads. Make what you will of that.(_Gives Gregory knowing look)_

GREGORY;I…don't…What?

(_Sampson winks)_

GREGORY;Still not…still not really comprehending what point you're trying to make.

_(Sampson elbows him suggestively)_

GREGORY;Oh, I understand.

SAMPSON;Really?

GREGORY; No.

(_Sampson groans and takes out a donut which he puts a sausage through)_

GREGORY_(Gasps)__;_Oh.._(realises fully);_OOOOHHHH!!! You dirty scoundrel.

_(Sampson grins smugly)._

GREGORY; O shit! Here come those Montague motherfuckers!

_Enter Abram and another serving man._

SAMPSON;My naked weapon is out(_Hehehehehe…). _Quarrel, I will back thee.

_Gregory whimpers like a girl._

SAMPSON;Oh come on! Fine, we'll let them begin.

GREGORY;I could frown at them as I pass them by..

SAMPSON;No, I will bite my thumb at them.(_Bites thumb)_

ABRAM;Oh no you didn't! Did you bite your thumb at us, sir?

SAMPSON;I bite my thumb, sir.

ABRAM;Did you bite your thumb at _us _sir?

SAMPSON(_aside to Gregory);_If I say "yes", is the law on our side?

GREGORY;No you dipshit.

SAMPSON;No sir, I was just biting my thumb. It's a bad habit I have, like fucking your mother.

_Gregory *face palm* Abram is ready to explode in rage_.

GREGORY;Oh look over there! Here comes one of my master's kinsmen.

ABRAM(_To both Gregory and Sampson);_You lie.

SAMPSON;About which part? The kinsmen or your mother being nothing more than a common whore? Hey that rhymes!

ABRAM;Both!(_followed by battle roar)_RRRROOOAAARRR!!!!

_They fight._

BENVOLIO;Part fools! You know not what you do...or some junk.

_They ignore him._

BENVOLIO;Well, so much for my big entrance…

(_sulks)_

_Enter Tybalt because someone needs to be hardcore. _

BENVOLIO;Oh noooo….

TYBALT;Turn Benvolio and look upon thy death!

BENVOLIO;I do but keep the peace!

TYBALT;…Ya I kinda gathered that what with you being the peacekeeper and all. Have at thee coward!

_They fight. Enter citizens._

CITIZEN'S;FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!….

_Enter old CAPULET in his gown and his wife._

CAPULET;Give me my sword ho!

LADY CAPULET;What did you just call me?

CAPULET(_Gulps);_Eh...nothing.

_Enter Old MONTAGUE and his wife._

CAPULET(_whinges and points);_But… but Montague has a sword! He's waving it in my face!(_grumbles)_Smug bastard.

MONTAGUE;Let me go woman!

LADY MONTAGUE;NOOO!

_Enter SAMUEL L. JACKSON, no wait PRINCE ESCALUS, with his train. He is one scary motherfucker._

_He bitchslaps Montague and shoves Capulet_.

PRINCE(_hisses menacingly);_If ever you disturb our streets again your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.

_Capulet is daydreaming._

PRINCE;Tell me Capulet…what do I look like to you?

CAPULET(_snaps out of it);_Well…you look kinda dishevelled, like you haven't shaved in a while and eh…since you have a crown…you look kinda like a Prince. Hey are you secretly the singer 'Prince'?

PRINCE(_Tries not to cry as he remembers his __failed attempt at being a musician);_What? That's ridiculous!(_Mutters)_Okay now it's revenge time. Mmmmhmmm. Tell me…do I look like a bitch?

CAPULET;N-n-noooo…

PRINCE;Then why are you trying to fuck me like a bitch?!

CAPULET;I assure you sir, I would never try to fuck you like a bitch.

_Montague is pissing himself laughing._

PRINCE;Capulet you're coming with me now.(_Grabs his balls and tugs hard)_I swear to God, if you ever fuck with me again…

CAPULET;Ahhh..vgdssjshjgsurosjdh…

MONTAGUE;Na na na na na!

PRINCE;I'll send for you later Montague.

MONTAGUE;But….but…

PRINCE;That's it! Detention!

MONTAGUE;Dang it.

_Exuent all but Montague, his wife and Benvolio._

MONTAGUE;Who started this fight anyway?

BENVOLIO;Some servants. I tried to part them, for I am the pacemaker, oops I mean peacemaker, but then Tybalt arrived and shit started to go down.

LADY MONTAGUE;Where is Romeo?

BENVOLIO;Fine, ignore my brilliant attempts at peacekeeping. Well, I thought Romeo was feeling anti-social like me, so I avoided him and then I became more anti-social so I don't know what's bothering him.

MONTAGUE;EPIC FAIL at appearing concerned. He's been seen crying every morning(that's more than usual) and he closes his windows and curtains to block out the sun. I think he's turning into a vampire.

BENVOLIO;……………

LADY MONTAGUE;………….

BENVOLIO;Yeah…I don't think that's it.

_Enter ROMEO a.k.a the noob, the guy so far in the closet he's finding Christmas presents, the fucktard, the whinging bitch and the biggest waste of space known to man._

BENVOLIO;Here he comes! Scram! I'll find out what's bothering him.

_Exuent Montague and wife._

BENVOLIO;Sup dawg?

ROMEO;Is the day so young?

BENVOLIO;I just said 'sup dawg'…I wasn't really referencing any particular time period…

ROMEO;Oh…my bad. Was that my father that went hence?

BENVOLIO(_Claps)_;You recognised your own father! Will wonders never cease. Why are you so emo?

ROMEO;Not having the WOMAN that I AM IN LOVE with. That's right. I love a girl!(_Gestures to big book of love poetry);_I'm in pain! WAH! Do you laugh?

BENVOLIO(_Giggles);_No-no-it's really sad.

(_Cracks up laughing)_

ROMEO(_Crying);_Farewell coz!

BENVOLIO;No! Come back. Who is this girl?

ROMEO;Well…Hmm…ooo(_He sees a rose on the ground);_Rose-a, Rosa-, Rosaline. Yeah, that'll work.

BENVOLIO;Why won't she degrade herself to be with you?

ROMEO;Well…you see..(_sees nun passing by)_She's chosen to live her life chaste. Yeah, that'll work.

BENVOLIO(_mutters to himself);_Lucky girl, she escaped just in time.(_to Romeo);_Pffff! Forget about her.

ROMEO(_Unconvincingly);_If only I could.

BENVOLIO;I'll help you. I will show you other beauties.

ROMEO;Oh that's…..really not necessary…I can manage myself…It's all good

BENVOLIO;You don't have to hide your feelings from me coz.(_squints)_Are you wearing eyeliner?

ROMEO;………..

**Act One, Scene Two**

CAPULET; Yeah, so the Prince totally owned me BUT, Montague got punished too. That's the important thing to remember.

_Paris stretches leisurely, trying desperately(and failing) to look non-chalant._

PARIS; So….Any chance of marrying Juliet?

CAPULET; Paris for the last time, she's only nine. Marriage really isn't appropriate.

PARIS; She's thirteen.

CAPULET; Oh right, well that's okay then. I was worried you might be…never mind. Still I don't think she's ready yet. I mean, I don't think she's ever even _seen_ a man besides me before, never mind spoken to one._(He tries to distract Paris)_ Wanna come to my ball this evening?

_Capulet hands the invitations to SERVANT._

SERVANT; Servant away!!!

_He runs out._

CAPULET;….

PARIS;…..

_Exuent Capulet and Paris._

_Enter Benvolio and Romeo._

BENVOLIO; If you find someone else, you'll forget this girl.

ROMEO; I have no response to that. OMG! A servant! Hey servant!_(waves crazily)_

SERVANT; Here read this invitation.

ROMEO; I can read.

SERVANT; Good for you, kid, good for you.

_Romeo reads the letter._

ROMEO; Hmmm…sounds craptacular.

SERVANT; You are very much welcome if you are not a Montague.

_Exit servant._

SERVANT; Servant away!!!

BENVOLIO; Talk about fate! We'll go to this feast and you'll find a prettier girl.

_Romeo starts throwing a tantrum._

ROMEO; But I don't wanna go!

BENVOLIO; Fine, I'll go with Mercutio.

_Romeo instantly recovers._

ROMEO; I'll come too.

BENVOLIO; Alright then….

**Act One, Scene Three**

LADY CAPULET; Nurse, where's my daughter? Call her forth to me.

NURSE; Sure, no problem ma'am. JULIET! Get your ass down here now!!!

_Enter Juliet, looking kinda mellow._

JULIET_(singing to herself);_ They call me mellow yellow…

_She sees the Nurse_

JULIET; Who was calling me?

NURSE; Your mother.

JULIET; Now is not-(_stumbles)-_the time for petty insults. Who was calling me?

LADY CAPULET(_Waves hand in front of Juliet's face);_ Hel-lo? Anybody home?

JULIET; Mother!(_Hugs her)_ I am here. What is your will?

_Lady Capulet turns to the Nurse._

LADY CAPULET; Juliet is at a pretty age, is she not?

NURSE; I can tell her age unto the hour.

LADY CAPULET; Well, that's to be expected considering that you've been her nurse for almost her entire life…Anyway she's not yet fourteen.

NURSE; I disagree. She _is_ fourteen.

LADY CAPULET; Are you calling me a liar?

NURSE; No my lady, you are merely confused.

LADY CAPULET(_takes out knife) _Are you calling me a dumb blonde? Just because I'm fair haired and dumb? Because that's not a good enough reason…oh wait…I guess it is.(_Puts knife away). _Continue.

NURSE; Well, to make a long story short, there was an earthquake and then Juliet was eleven.

(_**Author's note; That's actually what the Nurse says in the play. Don't believe me? Consult Mister Shakespeare)**_

_Both of them turn their attention back to Juliet who is staring at her hands and flexing her fingers._

JULIET; Whoa… My hands are so powerful… and they can touch anything but themselves.

LADY CAPULET; Juliet, how do you feel about getting married?

JULIET; Meh. I'd prefer some casual sex but whatever…

LADY CAPULET; Well, think of marriage now because your future husband is downstairs waiting for you. Your entire future could depend on this first meeting. But don't worry, no pressure or anything… So do you think you could like him?

_Juliet stumbles again._

JULIET; If you like him, I'll like him.

LADY CAPULET; Good. I mean, even if you didn't like him we'd still love you. I mean, we wouldn't _disown _you or anything.(_Laughs unconvincingly)._

_Juliet is too high to notice. Enter Servingman._

SERVINGMAN; Where have you been Nurse? They're cursing you in the kitchens for not moving your lazy ass.

NURSE; Stop insulting me or I'll hit you.

SERVINGMAN; You wouldn't.

NURSE; You're right, I'm not bothered.

NURSE_(To Juliet) _You go girl! What the…?

_Nurse picks up Juliet's bong. Lady Capulet and Juliet depart with Servingman._

**Act One, Scene Four**

_Enter Romeo, Mercutio, Benvolio with five or six other maskers and torchbearers.)_

ROMEO(_nervous as hell); _So, so, so should we apologise for gate crashing or should we just walk in(_He sees a hot guard up ahead)- _or should we try to bribe the guards with sexual favous?

ALL EIGHT GUYS; What the fuck Romeo? What the fuck?!

ROMEO; Oh, I thought the guards were hot chicks.

_All eight guys sigh in relief._

BENVOLIO; We won't bother with an explanation. We'll just go in ON THE SLYYYY…

ROMEO; Give me the torch, I'll carry it cos I don't wanna dance.

MERCUTIO_(__**Author's note; YAAAAY! Mercutio's finally here. Sorry but he is awesome and kicks ass)**_; Then why did you come to the ball? Did it not enter your noobish brain that there would be dancing at a dance?

ROMEO; My feet are too HEAVY because of my DEPRESSION. Oh why must love HURT so much?

MERCUTIO; Borrow Cupid's wings and they will make you soar.

ROMEO; I am too empierced with his shaft_(__**Authors note; Hehehehe shaft. Make what you will of it)**_ to soar with his light feathers.

MERCUTIO; Romeo, stop ruining my puns with your negativity! You're ruining Chrstmas! HEY EVERYBODY! Romeo ruined Christmas!

EVERYBODY; Thanks a lot Romeo, thanks a lot. Fucking idiot.

MERCUTIO; Anyway, love is a beautiful thing, not some great oppression.

ROMEO; Love is not tender! It is rude, boisterous and pricks like thorn.

_Noob_

MERCUTIO; If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.

ROMEO; Damn! That was one sexy piece of advice Mercutio. I want you here and n-

_Romeo is cut off by Benvolio._

BENVOLIO; Or if being rough with love doesn't work, you could just rough _her_ up a bit.

MERCUTIO;……………

ROMEO;…………..

MERCUTIO;……………

ROMEO; I thought you were meant to be the peacekeeper.

_Benvolio laughs._

BENVOLIO; Oh silly Romeo, women don't count!

_Benvolio doubles over laughing. Romeo and Mercutio are seriously disturbed by this._

ROMEO; I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

MERCUTIO; Yeah…yeah OK.

ROMEO; I don't wanna go to the ball.

MERCUTIO(_impatiently)_; Why not?

ROMEO_(Whimpers)_; I had a bad dream! Wah!

MERCUTIO; So did I but you don't hear me whinging like a little bitch.

_Romeo is hurt._

ROMEO; Well….what was yours about?

_Mercutio gives a fabulous three page speech about Queen Mab and the nature of dreams, but the gist of it is; _

MERCUTIO; In short, I mock you Romeo!

ROMEO; Why do you jeer at me when I show you nothing but love?!

MERCUTIO;…………

BENVOLIO; Hurry or we'll be late.

ROMEO; I'm scared.

MERCUTIO; Nobody cares.

_They enter the ballroom._

**Act One, Scene Five**

_Enter Capulet, his wife, Juliet, Tybalt, Nurse and all the guests, gentlemen and maskers._

CAPULET; S'up ya'all? Ya'all havin a good time? Yeaaah! Lets raise the roof.

_Music plays and they dance. Juliet's drugs are wearing off and she's getting all emo._

ROMEO(_to Servingman);_ Who's that girl over there?

_He points to Juliet who is just shifting from foot to foot, too depressed by life to dance._

SERVINGMAN; I know not sir.

_Romeo is captivated._

ROMEO; Wooow! I want that dress for myself. Maybe Mercutio would look at me then. For I ne'er saw true beauty(a true dress) till this night.

SERVINGMAN; Plank.

TYBALT; OMFG! A Montague! Fetch me my rapier, boy or I'll rape you. That Romeo is one cocky bastard. Daring to show his face here. To strike him dead, I hold it not a sin.

_**Author's Note; Neither do I.**_

CAPULET; Hey Tybalt, why so gloomy?

TYBALT; That boy over there.

CAPULET; I know you've been having self-esteem issues lately, but there is no reason why that boy wouldn't like you. You ask him to dance, you charm him, you slip a little something in his drink………

TYBALT; No! He's a Montague! Our sworn enemy!

CAPULET; Oh leave him alone, he seems cool.

_As if on cue, Romeo does a twirl and flutters his suspiciously long lashes at Mercutio who is dancing with someone else._

TYBALT; I'll not endure him.

CAPULET; You have to. Tough shit.

_Exit Tybalt_

_Romeo goes over to Juliet, partly to make Mercutio jealous, and also to find out where she got her dress._

ROMEO; Oh hey, I was just wondering where you got that kick-ass dress and those really cool tight red arm bracelets.

JULIET(_Seriously emo);_ Those aren't bracelets.

ROMEO; What?…..Oh……….AWKWARD MOMENT.

_Juliet looks up._

JULIET; Oh look, mistletoe.

_Romeo gulps and then whispers reassuringly to himself._

ROMEO; Do it quick and it won't hurt as much.

RANDOM SERVINGMAN IN BACKGROUND; That's what she said!

_Romeo kisses Juliet._

ROMEO; Well that wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be! Your moustache tickles! I bet that's what it would feel like to kiss Mercutio.

JULIET; You're a good kisser.

ROMEO; Aww shucks! Thanks, I practice on the inside of my arm.

JULIET(_chews); _There's chewing gum in my mouth.

ROMEO; Is it mint flavoured?

JULIET; Yeah.

ROMEO; It's mine.

JULIET; Can I keep it?

ROMEO; No! Get your own bitch! Give it back.

_He kisses her again._

ROMEO; Now that I have what's rightfully mine, I bid you farewell. ROMEO AWAY!!!

SERVANT; Hey! He stole my catchphrase!

_The Nurse appears and accidentally steps on Romeo's cape. He falls to the ground in a heap. He gets up quickly, trying to look cool._

NURSE(_To Juliet); _Your mother wishes to speak with you.

ROMEO; Who is her mother?

NURSE; The lady of the house.

ROMEO; She's a Capulet? Oh shit!

BENVOLIO; Skedaddle, Romeo, skedaddle! Time to go.

CAPULET; Man! I am so wasted! Goodnight ya'all.

_Exit all but Juliet and Nurse._

JULIET; Who was that guy?

NURSE; The kid at the door?

JULIET; No.

NURSE; The guy with the tie?

JULIET; No.

NURSE; The guy with the long lashes and baby penis?

JULIET; Yes! Who's he?

NURSE; Romeo the idiot boy son of Montague.

JULIET; Great! The one boy to show any interest in me and he turns out to be my sworn enemy?

NURSE; What about your fiancée?You seemed excited earlier.

JULIET; I was stoned! Hey you seen my bong?

NURSE; Well………..

**Authors Notes; Please Read&Review! Without sufficient feedback i mightn't continue with this! Hope you guys liked Act 1.=)**


	2. Act 2

**Hey you guys, I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to everybody who reviewed!**

**Brat Princess.=)**

_**Romeo & Juliet**_

_**Act 2**_

_**Scene 1**_

_**Chorus**_

_Previously on 'Romeo the Idiot and Juliet his Unfortunate Beloved'= Romeo is still madly in love with Mercutio but he'll settle for a bit of action with Juliet cos she's kinda manly looking and is depressed and lonely enough to not want to blow her brains out every time she sees him. Ahh, the magic of young love………_

_Enter Romeo alone._

ROMEO; Where's Mercutio? I'm so gonna rub it in his face that I kissed a girl.

_Romeo, to the horror of the author and Katy Perry, starts to sing;_

ROMEO; I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her Mercutio-like moustache…

_Enter Benvolio and Mercutio. Romeo withdraws and thankfully shuts up._

ROMEO; Ha! I'll jump out and scare them when they're not expecting it!

_Because Romeo has the mental capacity of a brain damaged goldfish._

BENVOLIO; Romeo! My cousin Romeo! Romeo!

ROMEO! Ha, that's me!

MERCUTIO; So anyway, I was screwing this girl over there under the balcony…

BENVOLIO; Now is not the time to remind the audience of how sexy and gorgeous and not-Romeo you are! We have to find Romeo!

MERCUTIO; Who really gives a shit?

ROMEO; He…he had sex with a girl? How could he?

MERCUTIO;-and my underpants are still over there.

BENVOLIO; Mercutio! Call to Romeo!

MERCUTIO; Fine. Hey dipshit!

ROMEO; He does still love me! He's using his pet name for me!

MERCUTIO;- I conjure thee by Rosaline's bright eyes, by her high forehead and her scarlet lip-

ROMEO; Who's Rosaline?

MERCUTIO; He's not coming out. Let's go home.

BENVOLIO; Fine. Can we beat one of the maids when we get back?

MERCUTIO; What?! No! Seriously man, what the fuck? You hate anything to do with violence.

BENVOLIO; Yeah, but women usually just lie there and take it so technically it's not even violence.

MERCUTIO; WHAT THE FUCK?

**Scene 2**

_Romeo goes to Juliet's balcony looking for Mercutio's underwear._

ROMEO; Lucky bitch, got to have sex with Mercutio…..

_He stops searching as he notices a strong light from above._

ROMEO; Ow! My eyes!!! They burn. What light through wonder window breaks? It is the East and Juliet is the burning sun! O arise vile sun, so that I might kill thee! It is my lady! See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might slap that cheek! That I might wring that neck!

_He realises how aggressive he sounds._

ROMEO; Wow, Benvolio's hatred of women is really rubbing off on me…

_Juliet pukes out of her window, avoiding Romeo by mere inches._

ROMEO; Ewwww…….

JULIET_(drunkenly);_ O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

ROMEO; Uh, I'm right here.

JULIET; Oh! You came to confess your love for me!

ROMEO; Well, I actually came to search for my sexy friends underwear. Did you happen to see them?

_Juliet rummages in her room and after a few random objects-including a banana, a brick and a trampoline- hit Romeo in the face, she emerges with Mercutio's glorious red, stripy underwear._

ROMEO; Ooooh! Give them here!

JULIET; You're gonna have to make it worth my while….

ROMEO; I'll kiss you again!

JULIET; You'll have to do better than that….

ROMEO; Wanna get married tomorrow?

JULIET; You betcha!

_She throws the underwear down to Romeo._

BOTH; YAY!!!

**Scene 3**

_Friar Lawrence is in search of medicinal herbs, meaning he's preparing to get stoned on the junk he's growing in the confessional._

_Enter Romeo._

ROMEO; Hey Friar, wasssuuuup yo?

FRIAR LAWRENCE; It's very early. You haven't been in bed! Did you spend the night with Rosaline? No, no one would hate themselves enough to let this imbecile touch them…

ROMEO; Hey! I'm standing right here! And who's this Rosaline that people keep mentioning?

FRIAR LAWRENCE; The girl you were in love with!

ROMEO; Oh right, that was an elaborate lie, so people wouldn't suspect that I was gay. It worked well!

FRIAR LAWRENCE; My son, the only person who doesn't know your orientation is the deaf, dumb and blind nun from the far side of Verona.

DEAF, DUMB AND BLIND NUN; No I know.

FRIAR LAWRENCE; What is it you want O Annoying One?

ROMEO; Well, I wanna marry this other girl.

_He tells the full story. Friar Lawrence is gob smacked._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; So, let me get this straight…. You kissed a bi-polar man-girl child who just happens to be your enemy at a masquerade ball you gatecrashed to make your best friend jealous. In exchange for this friends underwear, you have decided to take this pitiful and pathetic girl as your bride, knowing that this can only end in tears?

ROMEO; Yep, that's about it. I regret nothing, Mercutio's underwear is worth a lifetime of misery with Judith. Hey! Maybe I could get her to wear them on our wedding night!

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Just wanted to make sure I had all the details. Fine I'll help, but only because your warring families need to be reunited.

ROMEO; Thanks Friar!

_He gives him a giant hug._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Get the fuck out of my sight.

**Scene 4**

MERCUTIO; Where is Romeo? He's usually at my door at 5.a.m. begging for mercy as I throw hot marbles at him. Rosaline must be amazing in bed to hold his attention…..

BENVOLIO; I hear Tybalt sent Romeo a letter, demanding him to duel against him.

MERCUTIO; Well, we may as well start digging Romeo's grave now, I mean he couldn't beat Tybalt if he was given a loaded gun and had it raised to his temple.

BENVOLIO; Why, what's so great about Tybalt?

MERCUTIO; He's the King of Cats, the courageous captain of compliments, a gentleman of the very first cause-

_Enter Romeo_

BENVOLIO; Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo!

MERCUTIO; Thanks a lot Benvolio, now we can't hide because you've given away our location.

BENVOLIO; Don't try to fool me Mercutio, like it or not you missed Romeo last night.

MERCUTIO; Pfff! I did NOT miss that gender confused fruit cake!

_Although the insult is marvellous it lacks conviction._

ROMEO; Sorry I missed you guys last night, but I was otherwise engaged.

_He giggles at the word 'engaged'._

ROMEO; Did ya miss me?

MERCUTIO; I was mildly concerned that you would get run over by a car and cause a dent in someone else's vehicle.

ROMEO; Yeah, that sounds like something I would do…I really should look before crossing the road.

_Mercutio and Romeo embark on a long punversation, which I'm not gonna lie, is pretty riveting. Oh puns, how I love them so…….._

ROMEO; O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness!

MERCUTIO; Great use of alliteration my friend. Well done. Isn't it better to be happy than groaning over love?

_Enter Nurse and her man, Peter._

MERCUTIO; Good Peter, to hide her face. For her fan's the fairer face.

_Words cannot describe my love for this man. The Nurse seems to like him too. If only she were fifty years younger……Now THAT would be a love story worth reading._

NURSE; You look far better than last night Romeo son of Montague. Rugged, chiselled, and with moustache!

_Mercutio doubles over laughing._

MERCUTIO; I fear you are mistaken. I am Mercutio a kinsman of Prince Escalus.

_Romeo flutters forward._

ROMEO; I am Romeo! Cower before me feeble old lady!

_The Nurse bitch-slaps him._

ROMEO; Owww!

MERCUTIO; Damn! If she wasn't so old I'd take her, here and now….

NURSE; I knew it was too good to be true! Alas, my lady has chosen to spend her life with a buffoon!

MERCUTIO; A _simpering _buffoon. Farewell, ancient lady. Farewell!

_Exeunt Mercutio and Benvolio. Romeo nurses his red cheek, while trying not to cry._

NURSE; At least tell me that you love her dearly and would never in a thousand years break her already fragile heart?

ROMEO; I love her, she is my world. I will cherish her forever. Tell her to meet me at Friar Lawrence's cell this afternoon where we will be married.

_The Nurse actually believes him._

ROMEO; Farewell Nurse!

NURSE; Farewell!

_Exeunt._

**Scene 5**

_Juliet is busy scouring her bedroom for her stash, which the Nurse has cleverly hidden._

JULIET; Now if I were brain damaging drugs where would I be?

_The Nurse returns._

JULIET; What did he say? What did he say?!

NURSE; Heeeeeeeee aaaaaassssssssskkkkeeedddddd mmeeee ttttttoooooo tttttteeelllll-

_Four hours later._

JULIET; YAY! I'm getting married in twenty minutes.

NURSE; My lady, for the last time; are you certain you wouldn't rather marry Count Paris who will nurture and love you dearly until the day you die?

_Juliet spies something in the Nurses blouse._

JULIET; My stash!

_And with that, she tackles the Nurse to the bed to reclaim her illegal substances._

**Scene 6**

FRIAR LAWRENCE; So are you ready to get married? This is your last chance to back out.

ROMEO; Don't worry Friar, I've got a plan up my sleeve….

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Being?

ROMEO; Well, when Judith and I are about to say 'I do' Mercutio will barge in, kick her out of the way and we will kiss passionately while you sprinkle flowers on us from over head.

_He sighs dreamily._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; That…that has got to be the most elaborate dreamt up fantasy that I have ever heard. You're deluding yourself my son. You're only hearing what you want to hear.

ROMEO; Oh thanks! I thought these pants made me look fat but if you say otherwise…

_The cell door opens._

ROMEO; It's Mercutio! He's come early!

_His smile falters as Juliet enters._

ROMEO; Oh…it's you.

_Juliet having inhaled/eaten/injected the remainder of her stash, fails to notice his tone._

JULIET; My love! What a glorious day for a marriage!

ROMEO; Yeah…I guess…

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Okay folks, lets get this show, meaning freak show on the road.

_He goes through the vows and Romeo keeps stealing hopeful glances at the door._

ROMEO; Any minute now…

_Then thinking in his head; 'Nobody could love Mercutio more than I do'._

JULIET; I do!

ROMEO; No! I do!

_Romeo looks smug for about half a second before the awful realisation hits him._

ROMEO; Shit! I just got married.

**Hope y'all liked it! Please read&review!=)**


	3. Act 3

**Hey guys. Here's Act 3! Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Really helped inspire me to keep writing this thing.**

**Enjoy. As always=read & review!=)**

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**Romeo & Juliet Spoof**

**Act 3**

**Scene 1**

_Enter a magnificent MERCUTIO, a whining BENVOLIO and their men._

BENVOLIO; Mercutio I wanna go home! We'll run into the Capulets and be in deep, deep shit if we don't!

MERCUTIO; You are such a hypocrite Benvolio! Once you have a few drinks in you, you become as violent as the rest. Not to mention your appalling disrespect for women….

BENVOLIO; Hey, you promised you wouldn't mention my misogynistic tendencies today! And it could be a lot worse…I could be Romeo.

_Mercutio opens his perfectly shaped mouth to retaliate but realises his efforts are futile._

MERCUTIO; That's true.

_Enter Tybalt and the others. Benvolio starts to freak out._

BENVOLIO; Omigawd, omigawd, omigawd, OMIGAWD! Mercutio, be cool, I'm begging you!

_Mercutio ignores him._

MERCUTIO; Sup dipshits?

TYBALT; Nothing that concerns _you._ Could you inform me the location of Romeo Idiot Boy, Son of Montague?

_Mercutio looks stricken and a little jealous._

MERCUTIO; What do you want with him Tibikins?

_Tybalt loses his hardcore-osity briefly as he blushes at Mercutio's pet-name._

TYBALT; It's not like that sweetie-

MERCUTIO; Like what? I didn't say anything.

_Benvolio and the men are startled._

BENVOLIO; WTF?! You guys are…are having…are in a relationship?

MERCUTIO; And what is so strange about that? We're both hot-headed, badass, fiery men. Not all gays have to be stereotypes that flutter and dance like butterflies-

_Enter Romeo, a tornado of sparkles and glitter who appears to be attempting some form of mating ritual dance. Instead of being arousing, it is deeply, deeply disturbing._

TYBALT; Never mind. Tinkerbell has arrived.

MERCUTIO; How could I have been so consumed by jealousy to think that you would choose Romeo over _me?_

_All men suffer from a fit of laughter. Romeo doesn't know the joke but laughs along anyway trying to look cool. He stops laughing when he sees Mercutio and Tybalt holding hands._

TYBALT; Romeo, you are a disgrace to men everywhere. It is my sworn duty as the biggest badass in town to remove you from this earth, like it is a housewife's duty to remove a grease stain from an otherwise immaculate tablecloth.

ROMEO; Jeez….all because I'm a Montague?

TYBALT; No, but it gives me a good excuse to hate you.

MERCUTIO; Tibikins, he's not that bad if you stuff your ears with cotton wool and start singing to yourself when he starts to talk.

ROMEO; Mercutio, why are you holding my enemies hand? Are you crushing the bones in his hand so that when he's in unbearable pain I can make my cunning escape?

TYBALT; You weren't kidding when you said he was deluded.

ROMEO; But…but you're not gay! You had sex with a girl at the masquerade ball last night. I have the arousal stained underwear to prove it!

MERCUTIO; WHAT?!

ROMEO; Nothing.

_Romeo clenches the underwear tight in his right pocket. Tybalt has gone deathly quiet. He wrenches his hand from Mercutio's loving grip._

TYBALT; You swore you would never cheat again!

MERCUTIO; Baby, I was drunk! She meant nothing to me! Please forgive me…

_Tybalt draws his sword. Mercutio backs away and draws his own sword in self defence._

_As the two lovers begin thrusting swords at each other Romeo takes it upon himself to intervene, because as mentioned previously in this spoof, Romeo is a noob._

ROMEO; Mercutio hi! Wanna play rock-paper-scissors? Mercutio! Mercutio! Mercutio!

_He starts jumping up and down between the two warring lovers, narrowly missing the tips of the blades._

MERCUTIO; I'm busy at the moment, in case you haven't noticed!

_Mercutio and Tybalt make a silent truce with their eyes to put their quarrel aside briefly, so that they can kill Romeo together. Tybalt makes a magnificent jab in Romeo's direction, but Romeo being a skilled ballerina, dodges him. Tybalt accidentally thrusts Mercutio. _

RANDOM MAN; Away, Tybalt!

_Tybalt is escorted away by his men as he is in deep shock after stabbing his lover._

MERCUTIO; I am hurt. A plague a' both your houses! Where is my darling Tybalt? Has he left me to die with no company but that of a peacekeeper and a noob?

BENVOLIO; Are you hurt?

_Mercutio is sarcastic._

MERCUTIO; Why no Benvolio, I'm making my death speech because I'm going to stand up any minute now. Will someone please fetch a doctor!

ROMEO; Relax Mercutio, people don't ever really die. They just go next door. Like my past five rabbits and nine hamsters.

MERCUTIO; You idiot! "Next door" means Heaven!

_He sighs and beckons Romeo to him. Romeo eagerly comes closer, expecting an admission of undying love._

MERCUTIO; Now, listen carefully- I hate you. You told my one true love about a moment of weakness that I spent in the arms of another. You intervened while I was otherwise occupied and ultimately caused my current predicament. Because of you, I die young and at my most magnificent. But I will forgive you for this, if you do me one last favour- Tell the Prince to spare Tybalt, say it was a misunderstanding.

ROMEO; Gotcha. Tybalt will pay for this.

_Mercutio is fading by the second, growing weaker and weaker._

MERCUTIO; No….Tybalt is to be spared the death penalty. Understand?

ROMEO; Loud and clear. I won't rest until every bone in his perfectly toned body is broken.

_Mercutio rolls his eyes and to the horror of every individual present or reading this, dies._

_**Author's Note; Noooooooooooo! For part of my heart is buried with this fine specimen of a man.**_

_Benvolio leaves with Mercutio's corpse but returns immediately._

BENVOLIO; So….you might think this is too soon but I'm throwing it out there; We need to find a new member for our Trio. Without Mercutio's flair for life and entertaining puns we're basically two Montagues with no sex appeal whatsoever.

ROMEO; Later! I have to fulfil Mercutio's dying wish-Tell everyone within hearing distance that he loved me and _only _me and then mercilessly beat Tybalt to death. HEY EVERYBODY! MERCUTIO WAS IN LOVE WITH ME!

_Benvolio laughs._

BENVOLIO; Oh Romeo, you crack me up. Oh wait, you're serious. How exactly are you going to beat a duelling champion in a fight?

ROMEO; Haven't figured it out yet.

_Enter Tybalt._

BENVOLIO; Well, you better come up with something quick…

ROMEO; Oh hey Tibby Cat a.k.a Mercutio's man whore who he didn't really love.

TYBALT; Silence boy! You are responsible for this tragedy and as Mercutio's one true love, I will nail you to the roof of the Capulet ballroom in honour of Mercutio. This way, when couples dance, they will look upward and be reminded of how I pinned you there like a helpless butterfly as a tribute to the amazing man who no other could match!

ROMEO; Okay, okay I didn't ask for your life story. I have proof that Mercutio loved me and that you were just a plaything.

_Romeo triumphantly withdraws Mercutio's underwear from his pocket._

TYBALT; I know those boxers….I bought them for him for his birthday!

_Tybalt breaks down crying in a heap on the ground._

ROMEO; And now to fulfil my- I mean Mercutio's final wish.

_Savour this moment as it is the only time in the entire play that Romeo can be described as badass. As you all know, he is a snivelling mess during every other scene. He goes up to Tybalt and breaks his neck.._

ROMEO; Huh, that was surprisingly easy. Oh shit, is that a police siren? Servant, I summon you!

_The servant appears._

SERVANT; Oh, not this guy again…

_Romeo jumps on his back and slaps his ass, trying to get him to gallop like a horse._

ROMEO; Oh yeah, Benvolio….if you wouldn't mind clearing this up with the Capulet's and the Prince-

_He spanks the servant again and they're off._

BOTH; Servant and Romeo AWAY!!!

_Benvolio is left to explain Mercutio's death and Tybalt's mangled corpse._

BENVOLIO; I don't believe this shit.

**Scene 2**

_Juliet sings softly to herself in her bedroom_

JULIET; Just dance, it'll be okay…

_She is interrupted by the Nurse._

JULIET; Any news from my beloved husband?

NURSE; He killed someone.

JULIET; Nurse, we are talking about the same man, right? Romeo could never hurt another creature…He's above violence.

NURSE; No seriously, he just brutally murdered Tybalt your cousin.

JULIET; Honestly I don't care, I mean Tybalt and me were never close…He must have provoked Romeo by insulting me or something.

NURSE; Believe whatever you want ma'am. I'm sick of correcting you.

_A few stray tears fall from the Nurse's eyes._

JULIET; Good Nurse! Whatever is the matter?

NURSE; Your husbands sexy, sexy friend was killed! When I looked into his eyes, even though it was only for a moment, I felt young again. And now my youth along with his well muscled body, is buried.

JULIET; Oh….do you know where Romeo is now?

NURSE; What am I, your personal messenger?!

JULIET; Well, yeah that's your main role in the story….

_The Nurse sighs._

NURSE; He's probably hiding in Friar Lawrence's cell like a cowardly little girl.

JULIET; You mean, like a resigned war hero/survivor. Go find him and make sure he's okay!

_Exit Nurse and Juliet._

**Scene 3**

_Enter Friar Lawrence drinking a hot whiskey and Romeo curled up on the ground, rocking back and forth like a traumatised, cowardly little girl._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; So kid, you fucked up, huh?

ROMEO(_crying softly to himself);_ Friar for the last time, it's not my fault that I felt like playing rock-paper-scissors when Mercutio was duelling. It's also not my fault that Mercutio failed to make his final wish clear. Anyone could have misinterpreted it. I don't see why the Prince had to go and have me banished for. A little harsh, don't you think?

FRIAR LAWARENCE; If it was me kid, I'd have you strung up like the useless fatty that you are and have wild dogs feast on your flesh.

_Romeo wails louder._

ROMEO; You said I looked skinny in those pants!

FRIAR LAWRENCE; No, I called you a fat-ass. You were in your own little fantasy land and wouldn't listen to reason.

ROMEO; Friar, I can't even walk downstairs without some form of assistance. How the hell am I going to survive outside of Verona?

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Not my problem. Should have thought of that before you killed Tybalt.

_He takes another swig of whiskey._

ROMEO; Shouldn't you be performing a sermon next door?

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Meh, let the choir boys figure it out.

_Romeo continues to weep. There is a knock at the door._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Oh shit! Romeo, hide these-

_He hands Romeo a few boxes full of drugs, needles and booze._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Eh, I guess you should hide too.

_He shouts out as Romeo hides._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Who's there? The mass has been cancelled due to transport issues!

NURSE; Friar, it's me! Let me in!

_Friar Lawrence smiles and slicks back his hair before opening the door. He grabs the Nurse around the waist and hauls her towards him._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Couldn't stay away, could you baby?

_The Nurse smiles sexily but then comes to her senses and snaps out of his grip._

NURSE; I am here on my mistresses behalf. And what did you mean transport issues?

FRIAR LAWRENCE; My inability to travel next door due to my legs resembling jelly.

NURSE; Where is the woman who bears the shape of a man?

_Friar Lawrence pulls back a curtain to reveal Romeo blubbering like an overgrown baby._

ROMEO; Oh…..hey Nurse.

_There is a long awkward silence._

NURSE; Aren't you going to enquire after Juliet?

ROMEO; Oh yeah, that. How is the druggy?

_Nurse opens her mouth to answer but Romeo cuts her off._

ROMEO; You know what, I should just kill myself. I've caused so much pain and inconvenience that the world would more than likely rejoice if I ended my pathetic excuse for a life.

_He pauses, expecting some form of protest. When the Friar and the Nurse fail to say anything he grabs the Nurse's dagger and presses it against his stomach. He stabs himself slowly and small droplets of blood begin to fall._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; That's enough!

_He grabs the dagger and sucker punches Romeo._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; You think you can just escape from your responsibilities that easily? Sorry to burst your bubble Bubba but we're not letting you off the hook.

_Romeo winces from the slight scratch on his stomach. He offers them a weak smile._

ROMEO; You guys do care about me! Why else would you stop me from killing myself?

FRIAR LAWRENCE; I want you to suffer for killing Tybalt and death is too quick for scum like you. Secondly, you were getting blood on the floor that I just cleaned twenty minutes ago.

_Romeo's face falls._

ROMEO; Oh. Can I at least get some sleep now?

NURSE; No chance, we're going to see Juliet and you're going to reassure her that you love her.

ROMEO; Aww man!

_The Nurse grabs him by his earlobe and hauls him out the front door._

**Scene 4**

_Enter OLD CAPULET, his wife and PARIS._

CAPULET; The thing is that my wife and I have been seriously hung-over for the past day so we haven't had time to persuade Juliet to marry you.

PARIS; S'all good. How could she not want to be with me? I'm a kinsmen to the now deceased Mercutio so I'm hot stuff by default. Recommend me to your kerazy daughter. See you guys soon.

LADY CAPULET; I will recommend you to her by tomorrow morning. She's either stoned or grieving at the moment, I'm not sure which.

CAPULET; You know what Paris? Forget Juliet's opinion. Is Thursday good for you? Lovely day for a wedding.

PARIS; Cool. See you guys at the church?

_Exit Paris._

CAPULET; I know we won't regret organising this without Juliet's permission.

_The couple remain completely clueless as they go to bed._

**Scene 5**

_Enter ROMEO and JULIET aloft, at the window._

JULIET; Are you sure you can't stay any longer? It's not bright yet.

ROMEO; Um…it's not worth risking your safety…I must leave now or risk putting you in danger.

JULIET; We still have a few minutes…are you sure you don't wanna christen the sheets?

_She winks sexily at him. He, being Romeo, is slow on the uptake._

ROMEO; Well, to be honest, Friar Lawrence is far more qualified to christen things than-ohhhh. You dirty minx!

_Juliet looks hopeful. Will Romeo finally give the horny girl what she wants?_

ROMEO; Nah, we don't need to do that. We had plenty fun eating ice-cream and braiding each others hair.

_Enter Nurse hastily._

NURSE; Your mother's coming!

_Exit Nurse. Romeo jumps out onto the balcony. Juliet leans in for a long, romantic, goodbye kiss._

ROMEO; Well…….see ya kiddo.

_He pats her shoulder and kisses her forehead. Romeo leaves as fast as he can, leaving our heroine to cry to herself over her lost love. Enter Lady Capulet._

LADY CAPULET; Still upset about Tibikins?

_Juliet nods mechanically._

LADY CAPULET; Don't worry, I've got some good news that'll turn that upside-down frown upside-down. You're getting married on Thursday, pickle!

_She tickles Juliet in the ribs. Juliet's laughing covers her sobs briefly._

JULIET; Um, would it be okay if I killed myself in the meantime?

_Lady Capulet's face darkens. Enter Capulet and Nurse._

CAPULET; Are you excited, honey? Paris is a great guy with a big wallet among other things. He'll make you happy.

JULIET; I won't marry him!

CAPULET; Fine, don't marry the guy of your dreams. How can you turn down someone so perfect?

JULIET; If you love Count Paris so much, why don't you marry him Dad?!

CAPULET; As I'm sure you are aware Juliet, I am currently married to your mother. Meaning, I can't marry Paris. A man can dream though…..

JULIET; You guys won't change my mind on this!

CAPULET; Fine, you forfeit your position as our daughter. Pack your things and be gone by morning.

JULIET; You promised you wouldn't disown me!

BOTH; We lied.

_Exit the Worst Parents In History._

JULIET; Nurse! Whatever will I do?

NURSE; Are you frickin kidding me? Marry the Count! At least he's a real man.

_Truer words were never spoken._

JULIET; Get out of my sight! How dare you advise me to commit bigamy!

_Exit Nurse._

JULIET; I'll go to Friar Lawrence! He loves Romeo just as much as I do and will offer sound advice!

_Exit._

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**Tell me what you think! I live off reviews. Thanks for reading you crazy kids!**

**Brat Princess.=)**


	4. Act 4

**Hey guys, this thing is nearly over! It's been fun! I just want to apologise in advance because this chapter isn't as funny as the others. My excuse for this is that I don't have either Romeo or Mercutio to play with and those two are the funniest of the bunch. I've tried my best with the material available but I do love Juliet to death so it's hard to poke fun at her all the time. Thank God for Friar Lawrence. That man is comic relief personified. Please don't be put off this story by this inferior chapter. Act 5 will be kick-ass! I promise!**

**Read & review!**

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**Romeo & Juliet Spoof**

Act 4

Scene 1

_Enter FRIAR LAWRENCE and COUNT PARIS._

FRIAR; So, are you sure you don't want to wait longer than this Thursday to marry Juliet? Cause I'm pretty heavily booked until next June….

PARIS; Capulet is eager that his daughter and I be married ASAP. He kept winking at me and said something about not needing an excuse to see each other anymore….all I know is that it needs to be this Thursday.

FRIAR; You haven't spoken to the lady Juliet since the betrothal, have you? Seems mighty strange to me, but what do I know? I'm only a sexy, sexy man of God.

PARIS; I just want to make her happy. Maybe having someone who cares for her will distract her from her grief….I just want to give her a good life.

_And Juliet chose ROMEO over this guy. He's caring, thoughtful and romantic. Not to mention related to Mercutio….yep, Juliet's got a screw loose somewhere._

FRIAR; I wish I didn't know all the shit I already know about this. Why did I marry the effeminate weirdo and the junkie?

_Enter THE JUNKIE also known as JUDITH also known as JULIET._

PARIS; My lady! Have you come to make a confession to the Friar you dirty girl?!

JULIET; Um…yeah. I was caught kissing my girlfriends in public and have come to repent and pray for forgiveness.

PARIS; As much as I'd like to stay and listen to these sexual shenanigans, I have a wedding to organise.

_Exit Paris._

FRIAR; Go on. Was it Mary and Anne, the two sisters from your neighbourhood? Damn, those girls are fine.

JULIET; Hate to break it to you Friar, but that was just a lie so Paris would leave quicker.

FRIAR; Oh….I guess you're here to talk about the one thing I hate talking about and am glad is gone from my life even if it is for a short length of time.

JULIET; You can't possibly mean Romeo?

FRIAR; That's the thing. The gnat in my ear, the fly that buzzes close enough to annoy but manages to fly away when it's about to be swatted….

JULIET; What am I to do?

FRIAR; Here's a crazy idea; Why don't you marry the Count and forget about the multicoloured freak?

JULIET; I happen to love my husbands sense of style! He's like a rainbow that re-established my faith in humanity! I WILL NOT live in a world without him! I would rather die!

_She takes out a dagger and holds it to her heart. A long, awkward pause follows._

FRIAR; What is it with fucked up teenagers threatening suicide in my cell? Do they wait for me to clean up so they can spill blood everywhere?

_He sees Juliet's expression, full of pain and tears sliding down her face. He decides to stop her because unlike Romeo, she is a person worth saving. Sorry Romeo fans, if there are any of you in existence._

FRIAR; Sweetie, suicide won't solve anything. Just because the person you love leaves you doesn't give you the right to stop living and harm yourself. Honey…you're worse than Bella.

JULIET; Who?

FRIAR; Never mind. I didn't want to resort to this, but if you're looking for a solution….

_He goes over to his stash and rummages around._

FRIAR; Voila! A potion that will make you seem dead even though you're not. Take this and when you awaken two days later in your families tomb, Romeo will be there to rescue you.

JULIET; So….strong sleeping tablets essentially?

FRIAR; I prefer "Death in a Bottle" but yeah….

_He gives it to her and she turns to leave._

FRIAR; Apapapa! Aren't you forgetting something my little black butterfly? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

_Juliet sighs and starts to make up a hot story to appease the Friar._

JULIET; I had always wanted to know what kissing another girl would be like…..

**Scene 2**

_Enter CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, NURSE and two of three Servingmen._

CAPULET; So… should I invite all of Verona barring the Montagues' or should I only invite close family and friends? Decisions, decisions…

SERVINGMAN; I'm just throwing this out there but why don't you talk this over with someone who gives a shit?

CAPULET; Oh, Geoffrey, how you amuse me with your brutal honesty.

SERVINGMAN; My name is Alex.

CAPULET; You'll answer to whatever name I call you, Geoffrey.

_Before a battle can break out between master and servant, the EMO KID makes her grand entrance. Capulet tries to mask his anger with sarcasm._

CAPULET; Oh it's my amazing daughter Juliet, who would never disobey me in a million years. OH WAIT. You're the whore slut bitch who refused to marry the well endowed Count. You must be my daughters evil twin.

JULIET; Father, I have spoken to Friar Lawrence and he has convinced me that I was wrong to disobey you. I am now happy to marry the Count and there is nothing suspicious about that.

_Juliet mumbles this last part to herself._

JULIET; He also mentioned that I must be in denial about being a lesbian so I fell fatally in love with the first overly pretty boy to look my way….

CAPULET; Great! The wedding officially has a willing bride! Now I'm gonna get a sexy son in law! Aww yeah!

_Capulet and Lady Capulet start waltzing together happily._

JULIET; Wanna help me get ready, Nurse?

NURSE; Sure thing sweetie. I'm so happy you've seen sense! You can be happy with Count Paris, happier than you could ever have been with the idiot boy!

_Nurse remains oblivious to Juliet'sand the Friar's badly cooked up scheme._

**Scene 3**

JULIET; Nurse, don't take this personally but would you mind leaving me by myself for tonight? I have to rid myself of the stench of Romeo and the feel of his too-clean hands on my skin by scrubbing myself clean for most of the night.

_Her voice sadly lacks conviction but the Nurse is so ecstatic about her words that she fails to notice the tone of voice._

NURSE; I understand completely my dear.

_Enter Lady Capulet._

LADY CAPULET; Need you my help, dearest?

NURSE; My God, her English has deteriorated by a milestone in the past twenty four hours. I'm alliterate and I sound a hell of a lot better.

JULIET; I'm fine madam, thank you for enquiring. Now if you both don't mind, could you do me a ginormous favour and fuck off?

_Exit Lady Capulet and Nurse._

JULIET; Farewell!

_She starts getting nervous, worried about "Death in a Bottle."_

JULIET; What if the mixture doesn't work? What if it was just a lie so I would tell the Friar a hot girl-on-girl story? What if the Friar means to poison me? I remind him of Romeo who he misses so dearly. Maybe he just wants me gone for good! What if I wake in the tomb before Romeo arrives to rescue me?

_These incoherent ramblings prove that at least she thinks things through unlike a certain idiot boy we all love to hate. To stop her stream of thought she starts drinking. When she is plastered she notices something small on the ground. She picks it up._

JULIET; Romeo's eyelash curler! It is a sign that I must go through with the Friar's plan!

_She grabs "Death in a Bottle" and prepares to drink._

JULIET; Romeo, Romeo, Romeo. Here's drink, I drink to thee.

_She gulps it back and falls asleep like an adorable, drunken little angel. Awww!_

**Scene 4**

_I'm not gonna lie. This scene is utterly pointless. So just imagine it like "fast forward". Preparing for the wedding. _

**Scene 5**

_Enter Nurse._

NURSE; Juliet? Wake up sleepy head! Did you have a hen night all by yourself? I bet you did, considering you have no friends besides an old lady namely me and some illegal substances. The illegal substances were invited so why wasn't I? Huh? Nah, I don't mean to hold a grudge precious. I guess you're so tired because you had to stay up half the night washing the filth of Montague from your skin. Did you use all the vanilla shower gel?……….

_Half an hour later._

NURSE; OMG! She's dead! I shouldn't have wasted time talking, I should have done CPR.

_The Nurse attempts CPR but Juliet's breath is too sullied with alcohol. Resuscitation is impossible(or so the Nurse believes)._

_Enter Lady Capulet._

NURSE; Shit! I am so fired!

LADY CAPULET; What's going on?

NURSE; Juliet's dead!

LADY CAPULET; Nice try, she's hung-over isn't she?

NURSE; No! She's really dead.

_Enter Capulet who has been eavesdropping._

CAPULET; She can't be dead! How else are we going to get a hot, hot son-in-law?!

LADY CAPULET; I don't know!

_Enter Friar Lawrence and the Count Paris._

CAPULET; Quickly! Prop her up and control her movements like a puppet master!

FRIAR; So is the bride alive and well and ready to marry the man of her dreams, the Count?

_Capulet sits beside Juliet's would-be-corpse and moves her arm so it looks like she's waving. He attempts to imitate her, but fails miserably._

CAPULET AS JULIET; Must have slept in! Quickly get to the church, I am eager to be wed. I'm a girl….I like sparkly things and ponies!

PARIS; Why are you…..? Oh God, she's dead isn't she? No, no this can't be happening….

LADY CAPULET; It's alright Paris, you can still move in with us! Our grief will bring us closer together!

_Paris runs away, disgusted by the Capulets' behaviour._

FRIAR; So….I'm gonna have to charge double for the funeral as the church is decorated for a wedding and it's a big inconvenience having to change everything around again…

CAPULET; No way!

FRIAR; If there's a funeral, odds are the Count will attend.

CAPULET; How much?

_Exuent_

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**I hope you guys at least half enjoyed it! Let me know what you thought. More Romeo bashing next chapter!**

**Brat Princess.=)**


	5. Act 5

**Hey guys, this is it the last part of the spoof. I'll miss writing it. I hope you all enjoy this last part. Thanks to everyone who reviewed up until now.**

**As always R&R!**

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****Act 5**

**Scene 1**

_Enter ROMEO_

ROMEO;I had another bad dream! I dreamt that I was sleeping peacefully but then Judith decided to kiss me! Ewwww. Cooties. Well, hopefully this awful dream will mean my luck will change from bad to good.

_He genuinely believes this. Enter BALTHASAR, Romeo's servant._

ROMEO; Balthasar! My brother from another mother! Any news from Verona? Has Mercutio risen from the dead? Any heartfelt letters from the Friar? Has Juliet done the sensible thing and married the Count?

BALTHASAR; Dreadful news sir-

ROMEO; Oh, are you not my brother anymore? Have you finally gotten the operation? That's cool, I'll just greet you as my sister from another mister.

BALTHASAR; No, I haven't had the operation yet, sadly. The dreadful news of which I speak is this-

_He pauses for dramatic effect._

BALTHASAR; YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!!!

_A long silence follows._

ROMEO; Meh.

BALTHASAR; She left you some stuff too.

ROMEO; Oooooh! Anything pretty?

BALTHASAR; Some vanilla body wash, an eyelash curler and a half eaten lipstick.

ROMEO; Nice! Today is gonna be a good day! I can feel it. How shall I obtain these rare valuables?

BALTHASAR; They are placed beside her corpse in the Capulet tomb. You can collect them on your way out after weeping at her motionless side.

ROMEO; Yeah, I might skip that part. Shall we get going? I need to stop somewhere first.

BALTHASAR; Fine by me. Where are we stopping off?

ROMEO; At the apothecary's. Just in case Juliet's not really dead, I should bring poison to make sure she doesn't come back to claim her property. By property I mean me and the stuff she left.

BALTHASAR; Dude, isn't that a bit too far?

ROMEO; It's never too far with me. For I am Romeo and my idiocy knows no boundaries.

**Scene 2**

_Enter FRIAR JOHN_

FJ; Hey Friar Lawrence! Hear any dirty stories in confession recently?

_Enter Friar Lawrence._

FL; Yes, as a matter of fact-no wait! I mustn't become distracted. Have you heard from the Annoying One?

FJ; Yeah…about that, well there was a plague between here and Mantua so I couldn't gain access to the city. So I didn't get a chance to deliver this note to Romeo.

_He gives the note back to Friar Lawrence. It reads;_

Dearest imbecile,

As much as it pains me to say this, you must return to Verona at once as the lady Juliet will be awaiting your arrival in the Capulet tomb. I gave her a powerful sleeping potion so she would appear dead, so that you could rescue her and elope.

P.S Did you know that she has a serious future in writing girl-on-girl smut? I thought that piece of information would come in handy if you have no other income. Anyway, get here on time or I will personally hunt you down and kill you.

I sincerely hope we never meet again in this life or the next,

Friar Lawrence.

FL; Oh great! Now he won't show up to help the crazy girl and there is a very real risk that he may come looking for me in the future. Dammit all! Bring me a crowbar Friar, we've got a private family tomb to break into!

FJ; I'm on it!

**Scene 3**

_Enter a grieving PARIS who cannot come to terms with what has happened._

PARIS; We would have been so happy…I would have cut out the pain and replaced it with happiness. But alas…now you must join your cousin in death…

_He weeps pitifully. I don't find this man's pain amusing. I just feel it's necessary to show how bad a choice Juliet made. Paris's Page whistles, signalling for him to hide as people are approaching. Paris retires._

_Enter Romeo and Balthasar, with a torch, a mattock and a crow of iron._

ROMEO; Hey, where are the treats?

BALTHASAR; Maybe they'll pop out of her mouth when you finish grieving at her side.

_Romeo, simpleton that he is, doesn't pick up on the sarcasm._

ROMEO; Great idea! You can go now, hopefully this won't take long.

BALTHASAR; You're screwed up in the head, man!

ROMEO; Thanks, this is my natural hair colour. Well see ya soon!

_Balthasar retires._

ROMEO; Well Juliet, you were one swell girl………

_Romeo tries to think of comforting and meaningful words that will make him cry but fails. In a final attempt to get free make-up from a(seemingly) dead corpse, he takes a pair of tweezers from his jacket pocket and pokes himself in the eye. Low and behold, tears start to flow._

ROMEO; Ow! God that hurts!

_He begins to open the tomb._

PARIS; Get away from my fiancéé's tomb you grave robber! Why can you not show any respect for the dead?!

ROMEO; Hey, get your own free stuff! Leave now or I'll knife you good!

PARIS; You little prick! I'll teach you some manners!

_They fight and Paris falls and dies. Romeo is horror struck._

ROMEO; OMG! He was Mercutio's kinsman! I could have made him mine and gotten the next best thing to Mercutio!

_In your wildest dreams._

_He opens the tomb and lays Paris the Superior To This Dipshit inside. He is crying for real now, distraught at having mercilessly killed such a fine specimen of a man._

ROMEO; Why????? Where have all the good men gone?

_He continues sobbing, self-pityingly._

_Then he looks up at Juliet's mouth._

ROMEO; Huh, still no free stuff. Dang it. Jeez, all this crying is making me thirsty.

_He reaches into his bag for some Coke but, being a noob, he takes out the poison and drinks._

_Jackass._

ROMEO; I feel strange…oh noes! I drank the poison! Mercutio's ghost, I call on thee! Help me fight against this and remain alive!

_Enter Mercutio's ghost who drags Romeo's soul deep down into death with him all the while muttering;_

MERCUTIO'S GHOST; This is for Tibikins and Paris and Juliet and EVERYONE who has ever suffered on account of your stupidity.

ROMEO'S GHOST; Yay! Mercutio is bringing me to heaven with him!

MERCUTIO'S GHOST; Sigh…….

_Enter Friar Lawrence. He see's Romeo's corpse and feigns disappointment._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Oh no….however will I function without Romeo at my side….

_Bursts out laughing. Juliet awakens. He recovers himself._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; My dear, you're alive! Good news- Romeo killed himself!

JULIET; WHAT? No! I must honour his memory by spreading word of our love and how you married us without our parents consent!

_Friar takes this as a threat and realises that his existence would be a lot easier without either of the teenagers to jeopardise his job. He hands Juliet a dagger and attempts to drop subtle hints._

FRIAR LAWRENCE; So I'm gonna take off now…don't do anything foolish like KILLING YOURSELF while I'm gone.

_Exit Friar. Juliet holds the dagger to her heart and whispers sweet nothings into a dead Romeo's ear._

JULIET; Now we can be together forever without anything to stand in our way…

_She stabs herself and dies._

_Enter their parents._

CAPULET; You know, this feud has gotten way out of hand. Wanna meet up for drinks next week?

MONTAGUE; I don't see why not….

_For ne'er was a tale of more woe than this of emo Juliet and her cross-dressing Romeo._

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**Feedback is welcome! Hope you enjoyed the crazy thrill-ride!**

**Brat Princess.=)**


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